2018
1)
This is all about language or words. Yes. Everything is about this, as language believes that it can explain everything. Or at least it dares to attempt it.
Q used to say Everything’s Possible. She also used to say Nothing’s Forever. Whenever she spitted out these sentences, I said Yes, Yes. There was no No. Even though when No meant not so different from Yes, you better be cautious with No. Because No is just too strong word. Sometimes, Yes is a euphemism for No.
You need to watch out for your words. Petty things matter for lots of people. Almost everyone including you. We think we are generous enough to understand what displeases us, as we have put up with lots of stuff, such as colonization, such as pollution, such as capitalism, such as our own adolescence. Nevertheless, we embrace very little amount of language. We all are small-mined to a certain extent. The most unfortunate part, however, is not that we are small-mined. Real tragedy starts with this fact that our small minds can dream and there is a fantasy where no other enters.
Q told me that I was in a complete fantasy. She said what I said did not make sense. Then Q scoffed at me as if she was the one who was able to understand me more than anyone else. As if she met the real me, and touched it, smelled it and ate it. I could not respond. I could not say Yes or No. It was something excluded from all of Yes or all of No.
2)
If you have an experience of working in a restaurant, you know that you need to say I Am Sorry many times. If the customer says It is too cold, It is too hot, It is too sweet, It is too blend, It is too small, It is too big, It is too much, It is too little, there is only one reply available: I Am Sorry. It does not matter whether you are actually sorry or not. Sorry was originally invented for the possible situation that you do not sorry but you do not know what to say. This word allows turning back to zero. Zero is comfortable/convenient since no one has to be responsible for it.
The more I was with Q, the more I had used similar words that Q had used. Her vocabulary, phrases, jokes and errors. There must have been many words that I knew but I had never used. One day I said a particular word(I do not remember what it was). She was very surprised by that. She asked me. “Where did you learn that word?” “I’ve always known this word.” “ I didn’t know you knew that word. It was used in a correct situation.” Q was laughing. Q was laughing as if it was really funny.
There was the period that she mentioned Nothing’s Forever much more than Everything’s Possible. It was the time of Nothing’s Possible. It was the time that we were in constant Summer. Constant Sun. Constant bottles of cold milk tea. Constant bad sleeps. And then, things stopped and remained there.
I agreed with Nothing’s Forever, yet I believe this; the thing dreamt of being forever dies and sleeps in the eternity. This fantasy enabled my reality. This fantasy enabled the person called my name. I know, Forever is an ambiguous word. Eternity is an ambiguous word. Ambiguous is an ambiguous word. But hey, Everything’s Possible.